Your Preferences vs. Your Problems
How to Immediately Upgrade Your Life
Ugh, raining again? I’m so sick of this weather.
I can’t believe that driver just cut me off.
It’s so hot—I hate running in the heat.
Why didn’t he call me back? We had a great dinner. Maybe he’s not into me.
Perfect—last-minute 1:1 with my boss tomorrow. That can’t be good.
Gross. This salad has radishes. I hate radishes.
Sound familiar?
There’s a constant loop of commentary running through our minds—and wow, does it have opinions. Our internal complaint department has been developing since birth, ready to weigh in on everything: the weather, other people’s behavior, made-up anxieties, snarky thoughts about outfits, choices, tone of voice—you name it.
No wonder we’re exhausted.
Now imagine living with someone this negative and draining. Oh wait... we do.
We live with ourselves.
MEET THE WITNESS
The idea of a separate, observing self—the Witness—has deep roots in Eastern traditions. In Vedanta, it’s called Sākṣin; in Buddhism, it’s pure awareness (Purusha) that watches the mind without getting caught in it. Western thinkers echo this too: from Stoic philosophy and Carl Jung to modern-day ACT and MBCT, the idea is the same—you are not your thoughts.
WHAT’S HAPPENING IN YOUR BRAIN
That mental chatter? It’s not a character flaw—it’s the Default Mode Network (DMN) at work. This is your brain’s autopilot mode. When you’re not focused on a task, the DMN lights up and starts:
Replaying past conversations
Imagining worst-case futures
Narrating your worth, your relationships, your plans
The more time your brain spends here, the deeper the groove. And modern life makes it worse—social media, multitasking, and information overload train us to stay mentally “on” 24/7. We don’t just reflect—we obsess.
Much of that chatter is about “me, mine, and how I’m doing.”
Am I good enough? What do they think of me? Should I be doing more?
It’s exhausting. But it’s also changeable.
SO, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Good news: you don’t need a 20-day silent retreat. Yes, meditation and mindfulness help—but the real practice is moment-to-moment, in your actual life, not just a yoga class once a week.
Start here 👉 When you notice the chatter, ask yourself—“Is this a preference or a problem?”
Preferences Look Like:
The weather is 70–75°F, no exceptions.
No cars on the freeway.
Everyone texts back right away to reassure me I matter.
Every outfit makes me look amazing.
My boss and coworkers give me constant recognition.
My partner knows what I need without me asking.
I feel strong and energized every day.
Problems Look Like:
My car broke down and I need to call for a tow.
I sprained my ankle two weeks before a race.
There was an earthquake and I need repairs.
I’m going through a divorce and it’s painful.
I lost my pet and I’m heartbroken.
HOW TO WORK WITH IT
If it’s a preference, name it and soften your grip:
"I wish there weren’t so many cars on the road—but here we are, all just trying to get somewhere."
"I thought she would’ve texted back—maybe she’s overwhelmed."
"I’m feeling insecure today—I'll let my partner know I could use a little reassurance."
If it’s a problem, face it head-on:
“This sucks. This is hard. This hurts.”
Then ask:
How can I support myself through this?
Who can I ask for help?
When will I let go of the anger or fear?
How can I shift from spiraling to taking action?
THE TAKEAWAY
Most of our “problems” are just preferences in disguise. Like kids having tantrums when things don’t go their way, our inner world resists discomfort—even when it’s minor. Over time, we build such a long list of requirements for happiness that we forget how to just be okay.
Learning to spot the difference between a real problem and a personal preference is a simple but powerful shift. And once you start catching yourself? You’ll laugh at how specific your conditions for joy used to be and realizing that happiness is often within your reach.
WANT MORE?
If you’re ready to rethink what “success” and “enough” look like in your own life, start small:
✨ Try the Redefine Success 1-Hour Workshop — it’s low-cost and designed to help you reconnect with what really matters. On the fence? Grab the Free Reset Guide and begin to make space for what’s next.
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